Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
