I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
