I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
