the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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