From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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