I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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