dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
