as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
