Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
