She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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