ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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