May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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