Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
