i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
