i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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