At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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