I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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