Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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