Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it glows. i had to have it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
