And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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