youre lurking in front of me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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