mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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