I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
