Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
