And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
