i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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