I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
