you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
