We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
jump out the window naked night went bad
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
