(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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