my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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