If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Randomize
