I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You did what with his pubic hair?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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