remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
