Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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