to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
