Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
