is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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