apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
