i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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