it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
