I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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