I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I fill condoms, not promises.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
