shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
