Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
