My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
