I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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