He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
