dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize