What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
