I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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