Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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