I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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