I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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