1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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