Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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