I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
